I stood in the middle of a grocery store in Northern California, feeling lost and confused. Thousands of items called for me to buy them – but I had zero idea what I really wanted.
I was on a two week solo-vacation, far from home, attending two Christian conferences. My wonderful hubby was taking care of our 3 kids, ages 7 and under. Getting a break from work and housework sounded great, but I missed my family a lot.
As I scanned all the yummy food around me, I could easily pick out dozens of things my husband and kids liked to eat. But what on earth did I want? What foods did I enjoy?!?
After a lot of effort, I finally left the store with a random assortment of whatever sounded good. There were a few goodies in the bag to bring home for my family too.
I had to relearn how I liked to spend my spare time as well. My days back home were busy with school drop-offs, cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work, work, online school and a tiny bit left over for whatever I wanted to do. On vacation, my evenings now were full of quiet time to pray and just be in the presence of God. It was wonderful to take my time and relax with the Lord, instead of rushing through my daily prayers.
Years ago, I loved spending my time shopping and acquiring things. On this trip, I discovered the beautiful places the Lord has made. I saw volcanoes, waterfalls, majestic forests and sparkling lakes. It’s been years since I did any form of hiking. It was just so refreshing to walk in the peaceful silence found in nature.
At the conferences, I had high expectations of what I wanted to happen. As days went by and my requests weren’t happening, I had to reevaluate what I really wanted. I realized I was looking for confirmation and validation from the outside world. I ran through all the scenarios in my mind and came to the conclusion that it didn’t really matter at all.
I know who I am, who I belong to, and where I am going. Having someone acknowledge what the Lord is doing in my life and through me doesn’t change what is happening. My value is not found in the opinions of others. The only one I desire to please is God, because of what He has done on the cross and the love I have for Him is abundant and overflowing.
It was actually quite freeing to drop my unrealistic expectations and yearnings for acceptance from this world. I am confident in what He has spoken to me and said over me. My eyes look only to Him for guidance, approval and love. As long as I am walking in His ways, and keep hold of His steady hand, I have everything that I need.
I never received the external confirmation that I originally sought at the conferences. But that’s ok. Instead, I rediscovered who I am and what really motivates and moves me… what really matters.
As I walked out the door to leave on the final day of the conference, a new friend stopped me. Smiling, she told me that all morning, whenever she looked at me, Jesus told her that I know who I am. I thanked her and said that He was absolutely right.